đź’” Estrangement and the Holidays: The Psychology of Missing, Mending, or Maintaining Distance
By: Dr. Jennifer Merthe-Grayson, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
The holidays often stir up emotions we think we’ve tucked away. For those living with estrangement, the season can feel especially heavy-filled with the ache of what could have been and the pressure of what “should” be.
🌙 The Silent Grief of Estrangement
Estrangement carries a unique kind of grief-what psychologists call ambiguous loss. It’s the experience of losing someone who is still alive. The person is physically absent but emotionally present, leaving you suspended between longing and self-protection.
This grief is layered: sadness, guilt, anger, relief, even shame. Estrangement may have developed slowly-through boundary violations, emotional neglect, or repeated invalidation-or it may have been a necessary act of self-preservation. Yet, the holidays-with their traditions and cultural messages about family unity-often reopen those wounds.
🧠The Psychology Behind Estrangement
From a clinical perspective, estrangement touches many psychological systems:
Attachment: The holidays can reactivate old attachment wounds around belonging and rejection. You might find yourself craving closeness while simultaneously needing distance.
Cognitive Dissonance: Holding two conflicting truths-“I love them” and “being near them hurts me”-can create deep emotional stress.
Societal Shame: Messages like “family is everything” can compound guilt or make healthy distance feel like failure.
Trauma Activation: Even small reminders-holiday music, family photos, certain foods-can trigger the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses, leaving you tense or emotionally drained.
Understanding these internal systems can help transform what feels confusing into something comprehensible and manageable.
🕊️ Coping and Healing Through the Season
Healing doesn’t always mean reconciliation. Sometimes, it means finding peace with reality as it is. A few therapy-informed approaches include:
Normalize the complexity. Estrangement can bring both relief and sorrow. Multiple emotions can be true at once.
Define your boundaries, not your blame. Healthy limits protect you-they aren’t punishments or ultimatums.
Honor the grief. Write an unsent letter, light a candle, or create a ritual of remembrance. Grief doesn’t require an audience.
Anticipate triggers. Plan ahead for difficult moments-prepare grounding techniques, limit exposure to painful reminders, and build in time for rest and reflection.
Seek repair only when readiness meets safety. Reconnection, if desired, works best when both sides show accountability, empathy, and sustained change. Evidence-based models like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or Family Systems Theory emphasize pacing, structure, and emotional safety.
🌤️ Redefining What Family Means
You’re allowed to build a holiday that reflects your truth. Chosen family, supportive friendships, and rituals that align with your values can all bring meaning and belonging. Healing means integration—acknowledging the past while creating peace in the present.
✨ Remember: You are not broken for needing space. You are healing by choosing emotional safety over obligation.
Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson is a licensed clinical psychologist in Ohio specializing in complex family dynamics, estrangement, and relational healing. She accepts Aetna, Medical Mutual, Cigna, Anthem, and other major insurances and offers both in-person and telehealth appointments.
🪞When Narcissists Project and Play the Victim: Understanding the Psychology Behind It
By: Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
In clinical practice, it’s common to hear clients describe interactions that leave them feeling confused, guilty, or “like the bad guy” - even when they’ve done nothing wrong. This dynamic often points to projection, a key defense mechanism frequently seen in narcissistic personalities.
đź’ What Is Projection?
Projection occurs when an individual attributes their own unacceptable thoughts, emotions, or motives to someone else. It’s a psychological strategy designed to preserve self-esteem and reduce internal conflict.
For example:
A narcissistic partner who struggles with honesty might accuse you of being deceptive.
Someone who feels jealousy may insist you’re the envious one.
A person harboring anger could claim you’re always “too emotional.”
Through projection, the narcissist externalizes what they cannot tolerate within themselves — making others carry the emotional burden that truly belongs to them.
🎠The Victim Narrative
In many narcissistic dynamics, projection is accompanied by a victim narrative. This pattern allows the narcissist to deflect responsibility while simultaneously garnering sympathy. They may reinterpret boundaries, accountability, or even healthy assertiveness as “attacks.”
For instance:
When you express hurt, they may claim you’re overreacting.
When you pull back from harmful behavior, they describe you as abandoning them.
When you set limits, they paint themselves as the misunderstood or mistreated one.
This inversion of roles - where the aggressor becomes the victim - serves to control the emotional narrative and keep others in a reactive, defensive position.
🧠Why It’s Effective
Projection and victim-playing are psychologically disorienting. They exploit empathy and self-doubt - traits often found in compassionate, emotionally aware individuals. Over time, repeated exposure to these tactics can lead to chronic confusion, self-blame, and even trauma responses such as hypervigilance or emotional numbing.
🛡️ Grounding in Reality
Protecting yourself begins with awareness.
Recognize consistent patterns, not isolated incidents.
Avoid engaging in circular arguments meant to distort reality.
Hold firm to your boundaries, even when guilt or manipulation arise.
Seek professional support when the dynamic becomes emotionally destabilizing - therapy can help you rebuild clarity, trust, and a grounded sense of self.
🌱 The Takeaway
Narcissistic projection isn’t about truth - it’s about protection of the self at any cost. By understanding these mechanisms, you can learn to disentangle from false guilt and begin reclaiming your emotional equilibrium.
Dr. Jenn Merthe-Grayson is a licensed clinical psychologist accepting many insurances including Aetna, Medical Mutual, Cigna, Anthem, and many more.